dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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