I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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