Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
