Swine flu. Run for my life!
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
