There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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