This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
