he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
