if you like me you must not know who I am
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
