What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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