I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
