If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
