i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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