so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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