i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
