just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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