i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
