It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
