I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Randomize
