Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
