Cold hands, warm shart.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize