So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
