I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
