Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
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