I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize