Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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