Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
