The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
