Girls should come with a carfax report
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
