I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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