Jerry, you need to find god
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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