R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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