So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
