My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
