I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
