i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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