saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
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