I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
