At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
