My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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