I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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