We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
