I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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