i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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