i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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