before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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