He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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