you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
