Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
