i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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