Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
