cat food counts as protein by the way
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
