Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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