I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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