my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
