I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Holy sore nipples Batman
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
