Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
