We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
