the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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