she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Randomize